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10:53pm 19/12/2005
 
mood: indescribable
Dad died 10/16/2005 @ 11:35 pm


more info to come... I'm still not able to think straight just yet.		  
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stolen ...   
09:07pm 19/10/2005
 


Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius




You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely.
You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly.
And your philosophical side always peeks through.

Star wars character you are most like: Yoda




*giggle*		  
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I'm okay...   
09:05pm 19/10/2005
 
mood: drained
Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya all. Its just that with the imminent death of my Father on my mind, lots of things just don't really matter all that much anymore. I've had a sort of enlightenment happen to me the past few weeks. All the petty stuff I got so worked up about, all the silly little nothings ( a the silly BIG nothings) just don't seem as important, if not shallow.

My father has cancer. Its aggressive and progressive, Doc's are giving him MAYBE 6 months, and they are saying they will be amazed if he lasts 3months. Talking to my dad is like talking to the wise ole owl. Suddenly, without warning, his life is ending, he is full of fullfillment and full of regrets. Dad is trying to make things right in his life at this stage, and he told me "don't wait till its too late, don't live worrying about stupid things, cause at least I got this time left to fix things, not everyone does... you might not."

Pretty deep for my dad. His loving and carefree ways of life, I never thought that he really even thought about that stuff. I was wrong. Its sad the way we younger folks think that our parents will be there for a long time to come.. and that's not true.. Hell.. its not true of anyone in our lives.

I'm taking this all pretty hard, I'm so used to fixing things for people, helping them make things better in their lives, that I dunno what the hell to do with myself. I CAN'T fix my dad, I CAN'T fix my tears that roll at a thought or the laughter that comes from a memory. I CAN'T FIX IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could. I wish I could have a session with God and tell him "don't take my dad, he's too young (48) He's to vital to lots of people, He's too good!" But sadly, I know that God's response to me would be "He's good for Heaven now"

So I can't Fix my dad. I can't fix my mom's tears, I can't fix my brother's anger. All I can do is fix myself. I've spent so much time bitching and whining about how people make ME feel. I've spent so much energy on being angry or upset with my loved ones. Wasted Time! WASTED FUCKED UP TIME!

Now time is short for my dad. And by all rights, time is also ticking away for me and you as well.

I'm an emotional basketcase, and yet, I know what I have to do. and so... it starts. Again... All over again....

This time.. its time to live right, to cherish every little thing, to be happy with a dirty house, cause I have the money to have clutter, to be happy with a burnt meal, cause I have food..... be happy with my even the smallest of things, and to stop focusing on the terrible thigns so much. bad things last a moment and most are forgotten, Good things last a moment and are remembered forever.

"I wonder what people will say about me when I am gone." <--- my dad said this

Now, I think this.....

What will they say? What will they think when they read all the bitchiness in my journals... What will they remember of me when I am not here? I want people to be happy and smile when they think of me.

Its not too late for my dad. It CAN'T be too late for me.

Time to make things right.		  
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Purge.....   
06:22pm 18/10/2005
 
mood: gloomy
yes, its a purge.

Sometimes, you just gotta know when to start over.

updates soon		  
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invisible_girly
 
 

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